recovery

HAIKAST XVIII – Fresh Start

I dedicate this podcast to Robert Pulley who has inspired multiple generations of artists in Columbus and beyond as an Arts teacher at Columbus North High School and as a professional sculptor. Mr. Pulley’s work has been featured for over a year in front of the Fresh Start Recovery Center, the building that is the subject of this Haikast. Thank you, Mr. Pulley, for the generous sharing of your craft. It’s a delight to garden around your sculpture. To learn more about Robert Pulley’s work, visit www.robertpulley.com. (NOTE: The photo accompanying this episode includes the Fresh Start sculpture)

Downtown Columbus does not have much greenspace. While there is Mill Race Park on the west side – hugging the river – it is literally across the tracks from downtown. Washington Street, the main street through the heart of downtown, lacks landscaped areas. The most notable flora are the callery pear trees lining the sidewalks for 7 blocks. They are celebrated for their rapid growth and abundant white blooms in early spring. Unfortunately, they smell bad while flowering, drop abundant mushy berries on cars and sidewalks in fall, easily break, and are short lived. And worse, they are an invasive tree species that easily spread to dominate public lands and poorly maintained properties. 

Being a native plant advocate, it was a dream of mine to find a place in downtown Columbus to feature a different landscape aesthetic. When approached by Landmark Columbus Foundation in 2020 to do just that, I jumped at the opportunity to write a grant to turn one of the only green spaces downtown into a native plant landscape.

The property is at the corner of 7th and Washington, near the north end of the most heavily trafficked section of downtown. It hosts an old limestone building, over a century old, that was originally the post office. There have been many owners and uses over the years. Most recently, it was converted into the Fresh Start Recovery Center, owned by Volunteers of America, to support women recovering from opioid and other drug addictions. Pregnant women and mothers, along with their young children, are welcome for long term housing as they work towards sobriety.

When I approached staff at Fresh Start, the supervisor immediately had the vision of the project providing opportunities for horticulture therapy for the women staying at the shelter. So after signing a Memorandum of Understanding, acquiring grants, hiring a landscape architect, renting a sod cutter, purchasing plants, and recruiting volunteers, we were ready to transform the turf grass surrounding the beautiful building. On the United Way Day of Caring in May 2021, a TV crew showed up, the volunteers poured in, and the installation was installed within 8 hours. Now butterfly weed, coreopsis, New Jersey tea, spicebush, blue mistflower, columbine, prairie dropseed, and other native plants are thriving.

Native landscapes, while they may appear intimidating to maintain, are actually relatively easy to manage. Native plants have evolved to our local environment over thousands of years, and are an important part of healthy local habitats. In their native region, they are the most sustainable plants, growing deep roots and rarely requiring extra water or fertilizer. And almost all native plants are perennial, meaning that you don’t have to plant them over and over each year by seed or with plugs purchased from a store. After they are established, the primary maintenance is pruning when they get a bit unwieldy and adding mulch to suppress unwanted weeds.

Around the time of the original planting, I helped host a documentary of a film called “5 Seasons” about the landscape architect, Piet Oudolf. He is most well known for the High Line trail in New York City and the Lurie Gardens at Millennium Park in Chicago. Piet is credited for starting the “New Perennial Movement,” focusing on the structure of plants throughout the year – appreciating not just the color of flowers, but also the colors and textures of seeds, stalks, and leaves throughout all seasons. In fact, five seasons refers to planting in the spring and not cutting plants back until the following spring- a nod to appreciating plants for their beauty in all 12 months of the year & acknowledging the ecological value of the plants by not cutting them down after their flowers fade. The seeds, stalks, and leaves are very helpful food and shelter for insects and animals in the fall and winter. The film helped me focus on the entire plant and not just the flower, when considering what it means to be beautiful. 

Native plants can take care of themselves in the wild without any human intervention. However, when they are brought into more formal settings – such as being neighbors with prestigious architectural surroundings – they require more maintenance to, shall I say, be more “civilized”. Some native plants may grow to be 8’ tall or higher. Downtown Columbus, known for its famous mid-century architecture, requires a bit more manicured look to be considered attractive.

The maintenance for the native plant landscape at Fresh Start is the responsibility of a combination of community volunteers and the women who live at Fresh Start. In early spring, after not cutting the plants back over winter, it is time to get the pruning shears out. In early March, on a crisp, sunny afternoon, I arrived for the year’s first maintenance job. The women from the shelter were on break outside when I arrived. One of them asked if they could help me out and I gladly welcomed her to join me – in what is always for me – horticulture therapy.

So I gave her the pruning shears, explained what we were doing, and we worked together, with a supervisor from Fresh Start monitoring her work. The woman helping me had recently become a resident at Fresh Start and she spoke constantly throughout the hour that we worked together. I gladly listened and interjected at times when breaking her stream of consciousness seemed appropriate. She was too focused to take up my offer to wear gloves.

She bounced from plant to plant, making quick work out of what was essentially giving a 3 inch from the ground haircut to each plant. She recalled gardening with her grandparents when she was young, her appreciation for flowers, and the peace she felt in the moment.  She was presently dealing with addiction and told her supervisor that this could be one of her coping mechanisms. After doing a great job for over an hour, she had to go back inside. Her hands hurt after her enthusiastic work. 

While beautifying downtown with a non-traditional landscape was the original goal of the project, witnessing the therapeutic benefits for the women volunteers at Fresh Start is an equally important blessing that the plants provide. It is a reminder that taking care of the plants – as with taking care of the environment – is not a mindless task, but an opportunity for building community connections. I will gladly trade my blood, sweat, and tears for projects like Fresh Start to help beautify areas and build relationships with those who share a passion for lush, colorful, and somewhat wild landscapes.

Bare hands grab grasses
Pruning shears scalp last year’s growth
Eager haste, she bleeds

HAIKAST XIII – Life Verse

I have a “life verse.”  Before adopting this so-called life verse, I always thought of people who said they had one as being a little woo-woo.  I didn’t understand how to claim something from the Bible as my own.  I’m sure I was a little cynical about life verses before finding mine, because I assumed that people would find something they liked without a deep personal story and just roll with it. I was dismissive of the randomness of picking a verse.  

I want to apologize to anyone that I didn’t pay attention to because of that attitude.   

A life verse can be consequential and anyone who claims one may have a story that is worth considering. Really, anything that is a lifelong commitment is worthy of our attention because of the great care it takes to select and cultivate.  

I tend to not want to make life defining pronouncements. This is probably because they may be more of a fleeting fancy than something with the substance of a true resolution. 

As I write this, it is Lent in the Christian calendar. I normally honor the season by stopping or starting a habit as a way of focusing on the coming of Easter. This year, I decided to start reading the four Biblical gospels and stop eating food after dinner. Little more spiritual nourishment and a  little less dessert nourishment. I picked them as short-term commitments.  

It seems logical that a long term commitment like a life verse would require even more consideration than what to do for Lent. However, what I’m about to tell you isn’t so much about me picking a verse, it’s a story of a verse picking me.

As I was going through graduate school, I also worked full time at our local hospital.  To manage my stress level, I gravitated towards a hybrid role that was a mix of a floor secretary (processing medical orders from doctors and nurses), a Care Partner (having direct patient care responsibilities in partnership with the nurses), and, for difficult patients, a Sitter (literally sitting with them and carefully watching so they wouldn’t fall, pull out their IVs, or commit self-harm). I sat with lots of people who were in critical condition. While I never saw someone pass away, there were a number of patients who I spent the last days or hours with – being on high alert monitoring the patients’ vital signs and taking care of the family’s needs.

On my last day at the hospital – a day that I had no idea would actually be my last – I brought my Bible. It wasn’t ever my expectation to read to the patient, but some days when I was responsible for sitting, I needed a good long read. I would only read the Bible to the patient if they directly asked me to share with them. It happened to be on this day, the patient was curious about what I was reading.  So I read to them this passage:

“Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”

My Bible does have lots of notes scribbled on the margins of the pages. However, it rarely lists the time and place when a verse carried indelible personal significance. I did make a note of this verse that day. March 2010. Soon after reading to the patient, I was asked to go to HR. I had been in two patient fall cases in recent weeks when I misjudged when I should give them privacy while they were using the bathroom. It was time for me to resign. 

Four years later, after a long bout of depression, I found myself on the edge of another resignation. I didn’t know when it was going to happen, but it definitely felt like there was a strong possibility that I would need to step down. Many of my coworkers knew that I had been hospitalized the previous year and I had felt alienated from them for months. It was eerily similar timing to me resigning from the hospital nine months after a hospitalization for severe depression. I was hanging on to a job that I think both my contractor and I knew could not last.

I was reading a daily devotional that year. On the day that I was asked to resign, I went home for lunch and read the devotional. The same verses from Ephesians popped up again – this time beginning at verse 14,  “Instead, speaking the truth in love…..”

When I went back to work, I met with my supervisor and we had the difficult conversation of me needing to resign. I was numb, feeling like I had already been grieving an inevitable end to another promising career path. I wept in the car in the parking lot, unable to collect myself to drive home. I wondered how I was going to recover from my ongoing mental illness and my second job loss in 4 years. That day, I felt like I had lost nearly everything, but I had gained a verse.  It was the day my life verse was born.   

I slowly rebuilt my life, with my wife, friends, and extended family offering unconditional love through the process. I took solace in contemplating what it means to speak the truth in love. I discovered that the Ephesians passage is the only verse in the Bible that is directly translated as speaking the truth in love. I knew that my recovery needed to include the way that I spoke to myself. 

In depression, it is easy to embrace certain “truths” about who I am that do not take in the full picture of my humanity. My negative self-talk that fueled so much of my depressive episodes was full of self doubt and fear of failure. I can get tied up in negative emotional attachments to experiences of when I felt like I could have made better decisions, been more sensitive to others, or put forth more effort. I don’t give myself grace for my natural limitations or lack of knowledge. In short, it is truth without love.  

The Ephesians passage allowed me to pause and rethink how I talk to myself. It gave me the insight that I’m only one part of an entire Christian community and that it’s ok if I only play a small part, as long as it is in earnest and pursued in a spirit of unconditional love. The truth, when considered in love, is full of grace – it does not condemn or isolate, but points to each of us being connected to a sacred community. With this affirming perspective, I began to love myself and accept my diagnosis.   

I started a practice of studying the Bible using the lectio divina. It is a practice of reading small sections of the Bible multiple times and paying attention to words or phrases that resonate with the reader. I would then write reflections on what I read. I began practicing lectio divina with verses that included the word “humility.” I recovered by understanding and practicing humility. 

It took almost a year to feel ready to reenter the workforce, and when I did, it was with a renewed sense of self-respect and trust in my wherewithal. I am grateful that I have not slipped back into depression since reentering the workforce.

After 7 successful years working in product development and marketing at Cosco, I was incredibly thankful for the stability, job advancement, and relationships I had built. However, in 2022, I sensed that I was being called to a new career path. I decided to go on a retreat to St. Meinrad in southern Indiana to spend time in solitude and prayer. While there, I often go to the Arch Abbey Sanctuary where the monks gather to pray multiple times per day.

As my 2 day retreat came to a close, I went for a final prayer hour. Nearing the end of the hour, the Bible was opened and a monk began reading.

“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work….”

There it was again. I found peace and resolution in that moment as my life verse was spoken in the sanctuary. This time, I was ready for new work. 

Ephesians 4 read
The verse about Truth in Love
Monks gave me a gift

HAIKAST VI – The Local Drafts

Fifteen years ago, on the day my divorce was finalized, I sat around a corner table with some friends at the Columbus Bar. This was not a celebration, but a solemn gathering of men who supported me through one of the most difficult times of my life.  

A few months before, my best friend, Ben Stilson, and I had changed allegiances from Buffalo Wild Wings to Columbus Bar for a number of reasons – gigantic onion rings, best fish sandwich in town, first microbrewery in Columbus, and the kindness of the owner, Jon Myers.  The Diesel Oil Stout was a revelation in local brewing beauty.

That night of the divorce, Jon was serving us. For old times sake, in remembrance of fun evenings I had experienced in England back in college, I ordered an absinthe. Jon brought it to the table, with the special glassware, spoon, and sugar cube. It was a bittersweet night, but one of remarkable fraternal bonding and creation of new memories as I started a new chapter of life.

Weeks later, Ben and I, along with our friend Patrick Fosdick, were forming a Columbus Young Professionals team to compete in a summer long “Amazing Race” competition. The goal was to solve clues that led us to special spots in town. We needed to take a picture at each location and write a blog post about it. We were looking for a fourth team member, so on a whim, we asked Jon if he would like to join us. He did and the 4 of us gathered at the front plaza of City Hall to begin the competition. We had forgotten to create a team name. In a moment of creative clarity, Ben offered up the name “The Local Drafts.” The double entendre of being recruited to this team and promoting Jon’s Powerhouse microbrewery immediately resonated. 

So the Local Drafts ran around for 3 months, bonding while taking silly pictures holding empty beer mugs all over Columbus. We finished fourth in that summer of 2008. As we realized our formal time as a team was coming to a close, we reflected on the deepening bonds we had established and brainstormed how we could keep the fun going. So we organized a party called a Blind Beer Taste Test. We picked 8 beers in a particular style and randomly placed them into an elite 8 bracket. One person poured 1.5 oz samples into 2 separate glasses and after trying both, a vote was taken. There was then a Final Four round and a final head to head match to decide the champion of the beer style. In October of 2008, Keystone Light won the inaugural Blind Beer Taste Test competition in the Light Beer style.  We loved it. And kept doing it. 

I was not in a fraternity in college. I didn’t like the idea of hazing and the drunkenness associated with it. As the years went on and Ben, Jon, Patrick, and I invited more people to the taste tests, we realized that the fraternal bonds that developed through this ritual and all of the friendships that emerged outside of the taste test experiences were very special. No hazing required.  

In 2012, we inducted a new “class” of 4 Local Draft gentlemen and 6 more by the end of 2018.  The “organization,” and I do put that in quotes, waxed and waned in attempts to formalize, but in the end we decided we all just wanted to be together. Not to have meetings, but to have gatherings. Random happenings. Maybe it was golfing or hiking or helping someone move or supporting a Draft through a job transition, or planting trees, or volunteering, or organizing spur of the moment happy hours. 

In 2017, we had our first overnight trip on a trip to Cave Run Lake in Kentucky – starting an annual tradition of a 3-night, out of state trip. It will take too long to tell the stories of Three Rivers, Michigan – other than to say the Drafts have all left a piece of their hearts with our gracious AirBnB host, Mary Doezema, and her idyllic acreage with its winding boardwalk through beautiful wetlands. The relationships with these men have all become such an incredible blessing for me.

I did not know any of these guys in high school or college. I hear about men struggling to have meaningful relationships as adults and I’m thankful that I’ve been able to cultivate enduring friendships. It’s not about the beer or working at the same company or going to the same church or following the same sports teams.  The root is in sharing the same community and being committed to caring. In a way, it was born out of my suffering after the divorce and being full of gratitude for the men who walked beside me in my time of greatest need.

After my last hospitalization for major depression in 2013, my wife decided to share my bipolar II diagnosis with our church and friend group. When I returned home, the Drafts organized a game night at our house and a group of 8 men gathered around our dining room table to play for hours. The acceptance that I felt that night was an incredible experience of brotherly love. In the weeks that followed, I finally found peace with my diagnosis, knowing that I would be loved and supported through the recovery process. With that confidence, I have been able to cast aside the isolating effects of stigma to become a more steadfast advocate for mental health.  

So to the original Drafts already mentioned and Robb Kelly, Joey “Yolo” Leo, Johnny Unitas Koefoed, Jeff Bradley, Josh “Draft Lite” Brown, Brian Hardy, Tyler Reynolds, Philip “the OG Quadfather” Roggow, Kevin Hurst, and Cruz Baisa – thank you.  And since our motivation to formally initiate beyond 14 has waned over the years – shout outs to Mr. Brandon Andress, Derek Young, Chris “Toast” Myers, Darrin Clyde Myers, and Professor Slayer! 

What a joyous occasion when we meet! Thank you for the last 15 years!    

Circle table seat
Grief shared with friends, turns to joy
Mugs merge, cry of cheers!