Depression

HAIKAST XIII – Life Verse

March 6, 2024 Eric Riddle 00:09:56 0 Comments

I have a “life verse.” Before adopting this so-called life verse, I always thought of people who said they had one as being a little woo-woo. I didn’t understand how to claim something from the Bible as my own. I’m sure I was a little cynical about life verses before finding mine, because I assumed that people would find something they liked without a deep personal story and just roll with it. I was dismissive of the randomness of picking a verse.

I want to apologize to anyone that I didn’t pay attention to because of that attitude.

A life verse can be consequential and anyone who claims one may have a story that is worth considering. Really, anything that is a lifelong commitment is worthy of our attention because of the great care it takes to select and cultivate.

I tend to not want to make life defining pronouncements. This is probably because they may be more of a fleeting fancy than something with the substance of a true resolution.

As I write this, it is Lent in the Christian calendar. I normally honor the season by stopping or starting a habit as a way of focusing on the coming of Easter. This year, I decided to start reading the four Biblical gospels and stop eating food after dinner. Little more spiritual nourishment and a little less dessert nourishment. I picked them as short-term commitments.

It seems logical that a long term commitment like a life verse would require even more consideration than what to do for Lent. However, what I’m about to tell you isn’t so much about me picking a verse, it’s a story of a verse picking me.

As I was going through graduate school, I also worked full time at our local hospital. To manage my stress level, I gravitated towards a hybrid role that was a mix of a floor secretary (processing medical orders from doctors and nurses), a Care Partner (having direct patient care responsibilities in partnership with the nurses), and, for difficult patients, a Sitter (literally sitting with them and carefully watching so they wouldn’t fall, pull out their IVs, or commit self-harm). I sat with lots of people who were in critical condition. While I never saw someone pass away, there were a number of patients who I spent the last days or hours with – being on high alert monitoring the patients’ vital signs and taking care of the family’s needs.

On my last day at the hospital – a day that I had no idea would actually be my last – I brought my Bible. It wasn’t ever my expectation to read to the patient, but some days when I was responsible for sitting, I needed a good long read. I would only read the Bible to the patient if they directly asked me to share with them. It happened to be on this day, the patient was curious about what I was reading. So I read to them this passage:

“Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”

My Bible does have lots of notes scribbled on the margins of the pages. However, it rarely lists the time and place when a verse carried indelible personal significance. I did make a note of this verse that day. March 2010. Soon after reading to the patient, I was asked to go to HR. I had been in two patient fall cases in recent weeks when I misjudged when I should give them privacy while they were using the bathroom. It was time for me to resign.

Four years later, after a long bout of depression, I found myself on the edge of another resignation. I didn’t know when it was going to happen, but it definitely felt like there was a strong possibility that I would need to step down. Many of my coworkers knew that I had been hospitalized the previous year and I had felt alienated from them for months. It was eerily similar timing to me resigning from the hospital nine months after a hospitalization for severe depression. I was hanging on to a job that I think both my contractor and I knew could not last.

I was reading a daily devotional that year. On the day that I was asked to resign, I went home for lunch and read the devotional. The same verses from Ephesians popped up again – this time beginning at verse 14, “Instead, speaking the truth in love…..”

When I went back to work, I met with my supervisor and we had the difficult conversation of me needing to resign. I was numb, feeling like I had already been grieving an inevitable end to another promising career path. I wept in the car in the parking lot, unable to collect myself to drive home. I wondered how I was going to recover from my ongoing mental illness and my second job loss in 4 years. That day, I felt like I had lost nearly everything, but I had gained a verse. It was the day my life verse was born.

I slowly rebuilt my life, with my wife, friends, and extended family offering unconditional love through the process. I took solace in contemplating what it means to speak the truth in love. I discovered that the Ephesians passage is the only verse in the Bible that is directly translated as speaking the truth in love. I knew that my recovery needed to include the way that I spoke to myself.

In depression, it is easy to embrace certain “truths” about who I am that do not take in the full picture of my humanity. My negative self-talk that fueled so much of my depressive episodes was full of self doubt and fear of failure. I can get tied up in negative emotional attachments to experiences of when I felt like I could have made better decisions, been more sensitive to others, or put forth more effort. I don’t give myself grace for my natural limitations or lack of knowledge. In short, it is truth without love.

The Ephesians passage allowed me to pause and rethink how I talk to myself. It gave me the insight that I’m only one part of an entire Christian community and that it’s ok if I only play a small part, as long as it is in earnest and pursued in a spirit of unconditional love. The truth, when considered in love, is full of grace – it does not condemn or isolate, but points to each of us being connected to a sacred community. With this affirming perspective, I began to love myself and accept my diagnosis.

I started a practice of studying the Bible using the lectio divina. It is a practice of reading small sections of the Bible multiple times and paying attention to words or phrases that resonate with the reader. I would then write reflections on what I read. I began practicing lectio divina with verses that included the word “humility.” I recovered by understanding and practicing humility.

It took almost a year to feel ready to reenter the workforce, and when I did, it was with a renewed sense of self-respect and trust in my wherewithal. I am grateful that I have not slipped back into depression since reentering the workforce.

After 7 successful years working in product development and marketing at Cosco, I was incredibly thankful for the stability, job advancement, and relationships I had built. However, in 2022, I sensed that I was being called to a new career path. I decided to go on a retreat to St. Meinrad in southern Indiana to spend time in solitude and prayer. While there, I often go to the Arch Abbey Sanctuary where the monks gather to pray multiple times per day.

As my 2 day retreat came to a close, I went for a final prayer hour. Nearing the end of the hour, the Bible was opened and a monk began reading.

“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work….”

There it was again. I found peace and resolution in that moment as my life verse was spoken in the sanctuary. This time, I was ready for new work.

Ephesians 4 read
The verse about Truth in Love
Monks gave me a gift

HAIKAST IX – Labyrinth Love

October 6, 2023 Eric Riddle 00:06:31 1 Comment

I dedicate this Haikast to my wife, Jennifer Anne Riddle, for our 11 year wedding anniversary!

I asked Jen to marry me in the center of a labyrinth on a cold February afternoon. The previous week was Valentine’s Day and she was clearly upset that I did not pop the question during dinner in downtown Indianapolis. She didn’t know that I was waiting for Ash Wednesday the following week.

I first met Jen in Boston in 2009. She was one of my sister’s roommates. When I went to cheer on my sister in the Boston Marathon, the all women’s Christian household where Suzanne lived allowed an exception to have a guy stay overnight since I was a family member.

I was dating at the time, so I didn’t think beyond the budding of a platonic relationship. Besides, I have never had much of a radar for flirtation. We did share great conversations about Jack Kerouac, the band U2, the NFL, and my endeavor to write a book about the Columbus flood recovery. We even shared an ice cream cone. Platonically.

It was about a year later when she called me randomly after the Indianapolis Colts lost the Super Bowl to the New Orleans Saints. She called again a month later when the Duke Blue Devils beat the Butler Bulldogs in the NCAA basketball championship. At that point, I was single and surprised by what became clear, after the second call, that these were not random conversations.

We quickly jumped to topics with a little more spiritual depth.

Independently, in that spring of 2010, we both decided to give up all liquids except water for Lent. She was doing it for a ministry called Blood:Water mission. I was doing it because I realized that I had become entirely too dependent on daily coffee. This opened up our conversations of shared journeys.

You may say that we entered the labyrinth together that spring.

Two years later, when we were walking a real labyrinth together – on the threshold of the marriage proposal – we had been through a lot. She moved to Columbus and transferred to Christian Theological Seminary in Indianapolis to complete her Masters of Divinity degree. We broke up twice as I navigated the nagging suffering of post-divorce life and introducing my children to her. We lived through me having a major depressive episode. It wasn’t a straight shot to the altar. I don’t think life ever is as linear as we want it to be.

Labyrinths have been around a long time. If you dive into the history, you’ll discover that many ancient cultures spread across the globe have iconography related to labyrinths. Coins from Greece in the 5th century BC included labyrinth images. It is thought that the labyrinth has been part of human civilization for over 4,000 years.

If you are not familiar with labyrinths – or perhaps only associate the term with David Bowie’s film from the 1980s – there is a very strong distinction from a maze. People get lost in mazes in a series of dead ends with only one way through. If doing a maze on paper, you may need to erase your path a few times before successfully finding your way out.

You will not get lost in a labyrinth or need to retrace your steps. While the traditional labyrinth, codified in the 13th century floor of a French cathedral, may seem intimidating with 11 concentric rings leading to a circle in the middle – it is not a place of dead ends. You will find your way to the center – to what some labyrinth aficionados describe as the womb. A safe place to reflect before reentering the world.

Labyrinths are the home of spiritual ritual. On that Ash Wednesday with Jen, I chose the labyrinth walk as a sign that we would never face a dead end. We might not be able to anticipate the twists and turns, but we would do it together, we will find the center.

As we walked out, we headed inside the church on the property. We walked out with ash on our foreheads, a sign that sacrifice and mourning is part of this life. While probably not the first choice of most people who are minutes into engagement, it was fitting for us. Even in the moment of showing shared aspirations of a lifetime of love, we acknowledged that our time together would come to an end – that one of us would have to step out of the labyrinth first.

We have walked many labyrinths over the last 12 years. For years, I had been trying to build a labyrinth in Columbus. Finally, starting just before the pandemic, First United Methodist Church – where Jen was working – agreed to pursue putting a labyrinth in the lawn just north of the church. The labyrinth was installed in 2022, 10 years after our wedding. Benches and native plants adorned the corners. New trees were added to make the space feel more intimate.

In early summer of 2023, Jen made the decision to leave her job to take on a new ministry position at First Presbyterian Church, just a couple blocks away. It was an emotionally difficult time for both of us as she decided to leave her first job in full time ministry.

Before making her announcement, I joined Jen in late May as she led others from the church in a labyrinth walk, one of the first facilitated educational walks she had led with members of the congregation.

As is my practice, when I reached the center of the labyrinth, I paused in prayer. When I opened my eyes, I saw her – with both churches, like bookends, in my field of vision. We would be walking on soon, together, in her ministry journey, taking an unexpected twist on a path whose only promise is to never lead to a dead end.

Centered, still, movement
From labyrinth, two steeples
She is walking out

HAIKAST VI – The Local Drafts

June 20, 2023 Eric Riddle 00:07:08 Comments Off

Fifteen years ago, on the day my divorce was finalized, I sat around a corner table with some friends at the Columbus Bar. This was not a celebration, but a solemn gathering of men who supported me through one of the most difficult times of my life.

A few months before, my best friend, Ben Stilson, and I had changed allegiances from Buffalo Wild Wings to Columbus Bar for a number of reasons – gigantic onion rings, best fish sandwich in town, first microbrewery in Columbus, and the kindness of the owner, Jon Myers. The Diesel Oil Stout was a revelation in local brewing beauty.

That night of the divorce, Jon was serving us. For old times sake, in remembrance of fun evenings I had experienced in England back in college, I ordered an absinthe. Jon brought it to the table, with the special glassware, spoon, and sugar cube. It was a bittersweet night, but one of remarkable fraternal bonding and creation of new memories as I started a new chapter of life.

Weeks later, Ben and I, along with our friend Patrick Fosdick, were forming a Columbus Young Professionals team to compete in a summer long “Amazing Race” competition. The goal was to solve clues that led us to special spots in town. We needed to take a picture at each location and write a blog post about it. We were looking for a fourth team member, so on a whim, we asked Jon if he would like to join us. He did and the 4 of us gathered at the front plaza of City Hall to begin the competition. We had forgotten to create a team name. In a moment of creative clarity, Ben offered up the name “The Local Drafts.” The double entendre of being recruited to this team and promoting Jon’s Powerhouse microbrewery immediately resonated.

So the Local Drafts ran around for 3 months, bonding while taking silly pictures holding empty beer mugs all over Columbus. We finished fourth in that summer of 2008. As we realized our formal time as a team was coming to a close, we reflected on the deepening bonds we had established and brainstormed how we could keep the fun going. So we organized a party called a Blind Beer Taste Test. We picked 8 beers in a particular style and randomly placed them into an elite 8 bracket. One person poured 1.5 oz samples into 2 separate glasses and after trying both, a vote was taken. There was then a Final Four round and a final head to head match to decide the champion of the beer style. In October of 2008, Keystone Light won the inaugural Blind Beer Taste Test competition in the Light Beer style. We loved it. And kept doing it.

I was not in a fraternity in college. I didn’t like the idea of hazing and the drunkenness associated with it. As the years went on and Ben, Jon, Patrick, and I invited more people to the taste tests, we realized that the fraternal bonds that developed through this ritual and all of the friendships that emerged outside of the taste test experiences were very special. No hazing required.

In 2012, we inducted a new “class” of 4 Local Draft gentlemen and 6 more by the end of 2018. The “organization,” and I do put that in quotes, waxed and waned in attempts to formalize, but in the end we decided we all just wanted to be together. Not to have meetings, but to have gatherings. Random happenings. Maybe it was golfing or hiking or helping someone move or supporting a Draft through a job transition, or planting trees, or volunteering, or organizing spur of the moment happy hours.

In 2017, we had our first overnight trip on a trip to Cave Run Lake in Kentucky – starting an annual tradition of a 3-night, out of state trip. It will take too long to tell the stories of Three Rivers, Michigan – other than to say the Drafts have all left a piece of their hearts with our gracious AirBnB host, Mary Doezema, and her idyllic acreage with its winding boardwalk through beautiful wetlands. The relationships with these men have all become such an incredible blessing for me.

I did not know any of these guys in high school or college. I hear about men struggling to have meaningful relationships as adults and I’m thankful that I’ve been able to cultivate enduring friendships. It’s not about the beer or working at the same company or going to the same church or following the same sports teams. The root is in sharing the same community and being committed to caring. In a way, it was born out of my suffering after the divorce and being full of gratitude for the men who walked beside me in my time of greatest need.

After my last hospitalization for major depression in 2013, my wife decided to share my bipolar II diagnosis with our church and friend group. When I returned home, the Drafts organized a game night at our house and a group of 8 men gathered around our dining room table to play for hours. The acceptance that I felt that night was an incredible experience of brotherly love. In the weeks that followed, I finally found peace with my diagnosis, knowing that I would be loved and supported through the recovery process. With that confidence, I have been able to cast aside the isolating effects of stigma to become a more steadfast advocate for mental health.

So to the original Drafts already mentioned and Robb Kelly, Joey “Yolo” Leo, Johnny Unitas Koefoed, Jeff Bradley, Josh “Draft Lite” Brown, Brian Hardy, Tyler Reynolds, Philip “the OG Quadfather” Roggow, Kevin Hurst, and Cruz Baisa – thank you. And since our motivation to formally initiate beyond 14 has waned over the years – shout outs to Mr. Brandon Andress, Derek Young, Chris “Toast” Myers, Darrin Clyde Myers, and Professor Slayer!

What a joyous occasion when we meet! Thank you for the last 15 years!

Circle table seat
Grief shared with friends, turns to joy
Mugs merge, cry of cheers!

Episode 45 – Saints who Struggled with Diana Gruver

April 2, 2021 Tony Roberts 00:54:04 Comments Off

Diana Gruver (MA, Gordon-Conwell) writes about discipleship and spiritual formation in the every day. She is the author of Companions in the Darkness: Seven Saints Who Struggled with Depression and Doubt, and serves as a writer and communications director for Vere Institute. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and daughter.

The book highlights:

Martin Luther
Hannah Allen
David Brainerd
William Cowper
Charles Spurgeon
Mother Teresa
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Contact Diana Gruver at www.dianagruver.com or through Twitter @dianagruver and Facebook @dianagruverwriter.

Listen for a special offer in the interview for Diana to do a Zoom call with a small group who is studying Companions in the Darkness.

Some topics include:

What does healing mean to you?

Which saint did you most identify with?

In her research, did you discover many individuals who struggled with mental health?

What lessons did you learn from the people highlighted in the book?

Shownotes:

Redbud Writer’s Guild – Vibrant and diverse movement of Christian women who create in community and who influence culture and faith

Vere Institute – Empowers church leaders to cultivate whole life disciples of Christ for everyday Kingdom impact.

I am Greta – Documentary (2020) – The story of teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg is told through compelling, never-before-seen footage in this intimate documentary from Swedish director Nathan Grossman

Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary

Episode 25 – Cam Stout of The Stability Network

June 6, 2019 Eric Riddle 51:46 Comments Off

Cameron has been an attorney since 1984. Cam is on the other side of the abyss of a major depressive episode in 2013, feeling better in many ways than he ever has. The Founder and CEO of Stout Heart, Inc., a 501c3, Cam speaks publicly to students, professionals, church congregations, and other groups about his resilient recovery from severe depression, and his seven years of sobriety.

Cam’s timely message is simple and powerful: Mental health conditions are just that, health conditions, not weaknesses. They are not our fault, and there is tremendous hope for ongoing recovery and effective management of these challenges.

Cam discusses ways to identify and address mental health and addiction issues in the workplace, in schools and in places of worship.

Cam is married and a very proud father of two adult children.

Topics include:

What was his experience growing up with a father who was alcoholic?

What role has Stout Heart, Inc in supporting other lawyers and students?

Forming “SEAL” teams- Supportive, Energizing, and Loving- to help maintain mental health

Describes how Electoconvulsive Therapy (ECT) helped him through a time of severe depression

What does healing mean to you?

Shownotes:

Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation – Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation

Stout Heart, Inc. – Cam’s Non-Profit

The Stability Network – Mental health advocacy group where Cam and Eric met

Listening to Prozac – The landmark book about antidepressants and the remaking of the self (1997)

Next Episode:

Tony and I discuss responses they received from over 100 people to the question: “What Does Healing Mean to You?”

Subscribe to Podcast

HAIKAST XIII – Life Verse

HAIKAST IX – Labyrinth Love

HAIKAST VI – The Local Drafts

Episode 45 – Saints who Struggled with Diana Gruver

Episode 25 – Cam Stout of The Stability Network

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